cerebral

I'm sitting on our borrowed chair watching Eden perform silent sucking manouvres in his sleep as he reclines on the post office red courdoroy bean bag I made Duncan for his 21st. The miracle is that he is asleep and recently he has not been sleeping much between the hours of 10am and 9pm.

One can't predict anything. I was saying last week that I was finding it annoying how unpredictable things are - yet knowing if things were predictable, it might be kinda boring and without challenge. Eden has been quite grizzly towards the end of the day which makes me forget all the niceness of the mornings.

Someone told me that babies get into a pattern by 6 weeks, and because I actually enjoy sussing out routines and patterns (I really enjoyed figuring out the best public transport routes and times etc in London) I am again plotting our ups and downs of this week to see what pattern (if any) there is. I'm up to day 2 and despite having a day at home so that my travels in the car or walks in the buggy didn't give Eden time to get grizzly - I've lost half my passion as none of my google research talked about this pattern idea at all. So, my Mother's words to me will again be my song: As soon as you think you've got them sussed - they'll change!

I am such an even-keeled, cerebral creature. I didn't fall in love with Duncan until I decided I had good reason to do so, and wondered whether I would go to "cloud 9" like everybody said happens after you give birth - I was fairly sure it wouldn't happen to me but it sounded like fun if it did. I just smile when people talk about the moments after the birth when they were overcome with waves of love that they never imagined possible. I pretty much had the same reaction as when I learned that I was pregnant - stunned and blessed. It is a process to get to know and love this teeny little stranger presented to you, all hungry and wriggly.

Guess what - Eden is doing more and more experimental smiles - even meeting my eyes sometimes. He did this for the first time last week and I was startled at the emotion it stirred in me - the beginning of a tear even. The beginning of tears came to my eyes again earlier today as I listened to yet another awful news broadcast talking about some parents who are accused of child abuse, the baby presenting with upteen broken bones. I stroked Eden's little hands and said a prayer...